Over the years I’ve seen couples who have struggled with a wide range of issues – couples who feel like they’ve been fighting too much; they’ve stopped having sex; they feel like their marriage has grown really distant; they may be suffering from a sense of broken trust if someone has strayed from the relationship.
I have worked with people who want to find ways to heal and repair their relationships. The thing that I have learned is that, very often, people still love each other. They want to be able to make their relationship feel close and connected and to be a safe haven. But they’ve become caught in patterns that have become like vicious cycles; either vicious cycles that keep them isolated from each other, or vicious cycles that keep them at odds with each other. The very fact that the partners are involved in those kinds of conflicts tells me that they are still important to each other. I look for – and help people to find – strengths and hopeful signs that they can use to find their way out of those vicious cycles and to begin to find ways to reconnect with each other.
But let’s be clear – not every marriage can be saved. But if you are prepared to engage in a process of trying, you will be able to grow in your understanding of yourself; in your compassion for yourself; and in your capacity to love. And if you have children, they will benefit from the work that you have done to try to heal and repair your marriage, even if it wasn’t possible.
Adapted from Steve Moscovitch’s video on his philosophy to marriage counselling.